Jokes & Funny Stuff Submitted By Round Tablers

 

Here is a page on our web-site just to bring a smile to your face, so have a read and let us cheer your day up...

 

Lawyers Brand New Car

 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing.

But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!"*

"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.

"MY BLOODY ROLEX!"

Submitted By G Poulton 05/02/09

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How to tell you are married!

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'
 

Submitted By I Borthwick 22/01/09

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Women & Shopping

 

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale the second. In the third shop everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

 The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping for the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice, complimentary from the last shop! She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!

It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...............................

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'

 

Submitted By I Borthwick 18/01/09

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Shine A Light!!!

 

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid ' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.
 

Submitted By M Eeles 18/01/09

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Frank!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it was going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. "He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. "He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow, some guy then. "
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. "But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. "He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I married his bleed'n widow."
 

Submitted By T Goodridge 09/01/09

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Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale ' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 Years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

 

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

 

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

 

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

 

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

 

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

 

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'All right, that's enough, I'll do the f***ing dishes!'
 

Submitted By J Ikin 09/12/08

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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

 
(1)  Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Submitted By P Halliwell 09/12/08

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An Oirish Story.

 An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then
a £10    pound note appears.

'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,  how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Submitted By T Goodridge 06/12/08

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Hotel

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room & give me one - No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic ........

But for an outside line you need to press 9.'
 

Submitted By S Bennett 29/09/08

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Best Pubs are Back Home

 

Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you.'

'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing', said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?' 'Not me myself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'but it did happen to me sister.'

 

Submitted By S Bennett 29/09/08

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A Monks Story

A Chance of a Quick Fondle

 

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.

Submitted By M Eeles 02/10/08

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Farmers Bessie

 

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus. 'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' Asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Gárda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
 Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, How are you feeling?

Now what the F*ck would you say?

 

Submitted By I Borthwick 19/10/08

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Donkey

 

David bought a donkey from a farmer for £100
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
David replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that.  I went and spent it already.'
David said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What you gonna do with him?
David said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
David said, 'Sure I can.  Watch me.  I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with David and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
David said, 'I raffled him off.  I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
David said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his two dollars back.'
David now works for the government.

 

Submitted By T Goodridge 19/10/08

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Mixture of Goodies

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast,  they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I
look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty Face
or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!'

An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,  'I
just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.

 

All Submitted By S Bennett 19/10/08

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Tickle Me Elmo
 

There  is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the  Tickle Me Elmo toys.. The toy laughs when you tickle it  under the arms.

Well,  Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she  reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.  

The next day at 8:45 am there is  a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman  throws open the door and begins to rant about the new  
employee.

He  complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line  is backing up, putting the entire production line behind  schedule.

The  Personnel Manager decides he should see this for  himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory  floor.  When they get there the line is so backed  up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory  floor and they're really beginning to pile up.  

At  the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains  of  Tickle Me Elmo's She has a roll of plush Red fabric and  a huge bag of small marbles.

The  2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of  fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to  carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.     

The Personnel  Manager bursts into laughter.  After several  minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and  approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her,  barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you  misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'  

'Your  job is to give Elmo two test tickles.   

Submitted By J Ikin 10/10/08

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Mothers

 

The Toast of the Night

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Submitted By T. Goodridge 16/09/08

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Limeric

 

The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck
Eating red hot scollops
One fell down his trouser leg
And burnt him on the .....ankle
Completely missing his b@ll@#ks!

 

Submitted By D. Myers 18/09/08

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Circler's Revenge

 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

Understanding Circlers
(A Tablers perspective)

 

I know I'm not going to understand Circlers.

I'll never understand how they can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider...

 

A Circlers Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.  Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 

Cigarettes & Tampons

 
A Tabler walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
 

Words

 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

 

Submitted By Lyn Ikin (Jeff's Sister) 15/09/08

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Noah's New Boat

 

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

'Noah!' he roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

'My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is a development of the site, even though in my view, it is a temporary structure.

'We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was yet another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the all the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still attempting to resolve a complaint from the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The Trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British Government beat me to it.'

 

Submitted By I. Borthwick 6/08/08

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Anti-Spank Method

 

Most of America's populace think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments".

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride & talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video games, computer & IPods etc.

Either way my kids usually calm down & stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use this technique.

 

Please Click Here to see the photo.

Submitted By I. Borthwick 6/08/08

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Singles Advert

 

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please Click Here to See a Picture of Daisy ....

 

Submitted By C. Bull 14/08/08

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Tea-time Love Bite

 

 

Hippo's Lunch

 

 

Genitals

 

 

Submitted By C. Bull 14/08/08

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Typical Tabler

 

A typical tabler, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' 
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
 

Submitted By I. Borthwick 23/08/08

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The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)

'THE TEETH.'

Submitted By I. Borthwick 23/08/08

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Subject: Computer Problem

was having trouble with my computer. So I called  Sam , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.  Sam clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Sam  grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure
it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T 

I used to like  Sam (He'll probably end up working on a help desk for a computer firm).

Submitted By J. Ikin 7/08/08

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Warning To All The Women in Your Life

 

Please  forward to as many women as possible

THIS COULD HAPPEN TO  YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND.....
IT COULD  HAPPEN TO YOUR FRIEND... OR TO YOUR  SISTER

I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself & two men came & sat down at my table..... I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table & wouldn't leave me alone.
I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table & I hinted to them that I was married & that I was  not
interested in them.
Luckily for me they got the hint & left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe's camera.
I'm sending you this picture as a warning. just in case  they try and pick you up too.
 

Honestly, some men think they  are God's gift.
 

 

Submitted By Lyn Ikin (Jeff's Sister) 7/08/08

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Inheritance Money

 

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.   'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said as he walked up to her, 'but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three  days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.
 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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The 3 Survivors

 

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren
began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. 

.

.

.

.

.

.
So they buried Deirdre.

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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Eggs for his Wife

 

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?' 'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken fool. You've soiled the bed !!'
 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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Moments before it happened...

 

 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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Important things for men to remember for a Healthy Marriage

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

 

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his backside with only 2 inches showing.

 

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 27/07/08

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INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning:

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis.

Submitted By J. Ikin 27/07/08

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LETTER FROM THE MINISTRY

(Click on picture to enlarge)

Submitted By J.Ikin 18/07/08

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THE BOTTLE OF WINE...

Dave was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Dave tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Dave.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Dave looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my Wife.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

 'Good trade...

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 17/07/08

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THE SLAP HAPPY FRENCH...!

Submitted By T.Goodridge 16/07/08

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PET SHOP FURY...!

A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and shouts "everyone has one minute to get out."

A tortoise in the back shouts back " YOU GIT!"

Submitted By T.Goodridge 16/07/08

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Submitted By J.Ikin 16/07/08

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So, if you thought you were having a bad day...!

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE...!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
 

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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Getting Old The Circler Way...!

 

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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WOMEN, MEN & FLOWERS...!

 

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take "celibacy."
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

 

Submitted By J. Ikin 15/07/08

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And finally if you think Star Wars is S#?t...!

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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Got a joke to share? Send it to: mailto:jeff@e-powertool.co.uk