Jokes & Funny Stuff Submitted By Round Tablers

 

Here is a page on our web-site just to bring a smile to your face, so have a read and let us cheer your day up...

 

The Toast of the Night

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now? And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Submitted By T. Goodridge 16/09/08

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Limeric

 

The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck
Eating red hot scollops
One fell down his trouser leg
And burnt him on the .....ankle
Completely missing his b@ll@#ks!

 

Submitted By D. Myers 18/09/08

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Circler's Revenge

 

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

 

Understanding Circlers
(A Tablers perspective)

 

I know I'm not going to understand Circlers.

I'll never understand how they can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider...

 

A Circlers Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.  Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
 

Cigarettes & Tampons

 
A Tabler walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she.
 

Words

 

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

 

Submitted By Lyn Ikin (Jeff's Sister) 15/09/08

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Noah's New Boat

 

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said: 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

'Noah!' he roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

'My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is a development of the site, even though in my view, it is a temporary structure.

'We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was yet another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the all the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still attempting to resolve a complaint from the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The Trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British Government beat me to it.'

 

Submitted By I. Borthwick 6/08/08

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Anti-Spank Method

 

Most of America's populace think it is improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments".

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride & talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video games, computer & IPods etc.

Either way my kids usually calm down & stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use this technique.

 

Please Click Here to see the photo.

Submitted By I. Borthwick 6/08/08

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Singles Advert

 

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play.

I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.

I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....

Please Click Here to See a Picture of Daisy ....

 

Submitted By C. Bull 14/08/08

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Tea-time Love Bite

 

 

Hippo's Lunch

 

 

Genitals

 

 

Submitted By C. Bull 14/08/08

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Typical Tabler

 

A typical tabler, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.

'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' 
winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ...

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....

'F*****g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
 

Submitted By I. Borthwick 23/08/08

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The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

(Continue below - This is great)

'THE TEETH.'

Submitted By I. Borthwick 23/08/08

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Subject: Computer Problem

was having trouble with my computer. So I called  Sam , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.  Sam clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
Sam  grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure
it out."
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T 

I used to like  Sam (He'll probably end up working on a help desk for a computer firm).

Submitted By J. Ikin 7/08/08

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Warning To All The Women in Your Life

 

Please  forward to as many women as possible

THIS COULD HAPPEN TO  YOUR WIFE OR GIRLFRIEND.....
IT COULD  HAPPEN TO YOUR FRIEND... OR TO YOUR  SISTER

I was sitting at a local outdoor cafe having lunch by myself & two men came & sat down at my table..... I gave them the death look, but they just casually stayed at my table & wouldn't leave me alone.
I shined up my ring on my married finger, then placed my hand on the table & I hinted to them that I was married & that I was  not
interested in them.
Luckily for me they got the hint & left, but thankfully the whole thing was captured on the Cafe's camera.
I'm sending you this picture as a warning. just in case  they try and pick you up too.
 

Honestly, some men think they  are God's gift.
 

 

Submitted By Lyn Ikin (Jeff's Sister) 7/08/08

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Inheritance Money

 

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.   'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said as he walked up to her, 'but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three  days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.
 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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The 3 Survivors

 

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there
are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren
began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. 

.

.

.

.

.

.
So they buried Deirdre.

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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Eggs for his Wife

 

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?' 'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken fool. You've soiled the bed !!'
 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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Moments before it happened...

 

 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 07/08/08

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Important things for men to remember for a Healthy Marriage

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

 

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

 

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his backside with only 2 inches showing.

 

His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it.

 

Submitted By T.Goodridge 27/07/08

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INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning:

I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis.

Submitted By J. Ikin 27/07/08

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LETTER FROM THE MINISTRY

(Click on picture to enlarge)

Submitted By J.Ikin 18/07/08

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THE BOTTLE OF WINE...

Dave was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Dave tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Dave.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Dave looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my Wife.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

 

 'Good trade...

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 17/07/08

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THE SLAP HAPPY FRENCH...!

Submitted By T.Goodridge 16/07/08

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PET SHOP FURY...!

A man runs into a pet shop, puts a bomb on the counter and shouts "everyone has one minute to get out."

A tortoise in the back shouts back " YOU GIT!"

Submitted By T.Goodridge 16/07/08

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Submitted By J.Ikin 16/07/08

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So, if you thought you were having a bad day...!

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE...!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'
'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'
 

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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Getting Old The Circler Way...!

 

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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WOMEN, MEN & FLOWERS...!

 

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take "celibacy."
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

 

Submitted By J. Ikin 15/07/08

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And finally if you think Star Wars is S#?t...!

 

Submitted By J.Ikin 15/07/08

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Got a joke to share? Send it to: mailto:jeff@e-powertool.co.uk